Anilla Liadon (anilla) wrote,
Anilla Liadon
anilla

Day 11

I woke up just before dawn. I felt Byorne's hand under mine, and my heart skipped a beat as I remembered where I was. I felt the fear flooding through me as it all came back, but I took deep breaths and forced myself to calm down. I turned and looked at him; he was still asleep.

I got out of bed and gave him some water. I thought that maybe he was in a slightly different position than he was when I fell asleep...but maybe it was my imagination. I really hope he didn't wake up again while I was sleeping there. I can't imagine what he'd think or do if he knew I had slept next to him.

I walked downstairs to get some fresh air and think. I spotted Ellie outside on the porch, so I went out and joined her. Apparently she couldn't sleep because she was worried about Kippen. It was very cute to hear her talk about him. They really do love each other, I can tell.

Ellie kept questioning me about Byorne, and why I would sleep in the same room as him, after what happened that night. I tried to explain it to her without giving much away...but I couldn't hold it back. I made her promise not to tell anyone what I said, and I told her what Byorne said to me when he came out of the coma for a few moments. She was amazed.

I then decided that I needed to tell someone...so I told her that I love him. She was really surprised by this, I could tell. I tried to find out from her how I would know if this was true love or not...but I just don't know. I don't know what true love feels like. Somehow she knows, even though Kippen is her first love. That means that I should know. But I don't, it's all very confusing.

Ellie asked me if I think he could love me back...and I said I doubt it. I really don't think Byorne would ever love me. He can't get close to anyone, and even if he could I'm pretty sure he would choose Kilana over me. But I told Ellie it was okay...that at least I know that I am able to love a man. That means that I do have a chance of finding a man that I can love, and then maybe he will love me back.

We talked about her and Kippen some more...she said they haven't done much touching. It's hard to believe, but I guess they're both really nervous about it. I told Ellie that if she's feeling daring, she should just go for it, because I'm sure Kippen would be glad that she made the first move. She didn't think she could do it...but I told her that she'd be surprised what the heat of the moment can do to people.

And I was thinking after I said all of this to her...who am I to give her advice? I mean, sure I've had more experience than her when it comes to...that...but it's not the sort of experience she will have with Kippen. For all I know, it could be totally different. I offered to give her advice if she ever wanted it, but I'm not even sure if my advice would be accurate. I've never been in love...at least not until now, and what I think may be love now isn't requited. All I've done that Ellie hasn't is...that. And I claim to know so much about it, when really I don't. I know nothing about it except what happened to me. I assume that all men are that way, yet I know they aren't...take Kippen for example. I have no idea what it's like when the people involved love each other.

I'm really envious of Ellie. Not because she has Kippen, but because she has someone at all. I really just want to have a boyfriend that I love and who loves me back. I may be asking for too much, but...that's what I want. Deep down I want Byorne to love me, even though I know that's not going to happen. I wonder if that's why the Great Mother sent me to the Panthers...to find love. But it's likely that's just me wishing that that is her intention.

Mother, why am I here? I keep thinking of reasons, but I never get any closer to an answer...at first I thought it was to find my parents, and then I thought it was to find a husband...but it might be neither of those. I just wish I knew...I know that you have your reasons for not telling me, but I really wish you'd give me a hint at least. I wish I knew where to concentrate my efforts.

All I can say is that I'm glad that Ellie is on this mission with me. I don't think I could get through all this without telling someone.
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