That left Kippen and I alone. We talked some...and soon Byorne came into the tavern. He was back from his scouting. He sat down at the table with us. He was making me nervous, and I could tell he knew it. He must have been doing it on purpose. He eventually decided to get a drink from the bar, and he gave it to Kippen. Kippen, being a guy, accepted the challenge and drank it. He could only get a little bit down before he started coughing. I helped him calm down some, which was probably a mistake on my part. He just kept drinking. I tried to tell him to stop...but he wouldn't listen. He was getting drunk really quickly too. Byorne just kept encouraging him...and making remarks about me. He said that Kippen should go upstairs and "comfort" Ellie, and I told Kippen not to...for obvious reasons. So then Byorne accused me of being jealous, and had the nerve to say that I wanted someone to "comfort" me too.
I nearly exploded. Kippen was sitting there talking randomly and not realizing what was happening, and Byorne had to be proud of the fact that he made me so upset. My hand was literally resting on my dagger...I just felt like I was going to snap. I prayed to the Mother to help me...to keep me from lashing out. I needed her...I couldn't do it by myself. Byorne said something about how it's better to not get to know someone, so that way if you have to end up killing them, it's not so bad. I then told him that I agreed with him, but not really because I do...but because I just didn't know what to say or do with myself. I ended up just covering my face and crying. Tobias noticed what was happening from the window, and came inside to comfort me. Kippen did nothing...not that I really blame him or anything, but it just made it worse because I knew if he wasn't in the state he was in, he would have done something to help me. I was crying hard...Byorne just kind of sat there a little longer, and then eventually got up and said he'd be back later, and left.
I finally stopped crying, and talked to Kippen a little...he was really out of it. I helped him walk outside, and we sat under a tree. He ended up being sick, and I helped him feel better by rubbing his back and asking the Mother to ease his stomach and head. We talked more...he didn't seem to remember much of what happened inside the tavern. Which is probably a good thing...I didn't want him asking questions about what upset me so much. I saw Ellie watching us from her window, and immediately stopped touching Kippen...I know Ellie told me not to go out of my way to make her feel more comfortable, but I couldn't help myself. Plus, Kippen didn't want her to know that he had gotten drunk and sick. Kippen asked me how I can heal people...I told him about how the Mother does it, I just ask her to, and she does it if she feels that she should. He also talked about humans and elves...and I asked him why he doesn't like elves, and he didn't really know. My theory is that he has at least some elf blood in him...he can talk to animals, so it's highly unlikely that he's fully human. But I decided not to mention it, since I know he doesn't really like that idea.
We eventually decided to go back inside and up to Ellie's room...that is, Kippen's room, but Ellie was sharing it with him. We went inside the room, and I immediately felt out of place...it was their room, they shared that bed together...it didn't feel right to sit on it. I felt like an intruder in their nice little space. But they told me to stay, so I did. We talked a little, about the mission, the future, and a little bit about Byorne. I was getting more and more uncomfortable...I could tell that they wanted to be alone. And I needed to be alone with my thoughts anyway, so I got up, said goodbye, and left.
I went into my room to think. And I prayed. I prayed a lot. I tried to find out from the Mother what I should do about Byorne...how I can survive this mission without going crazy whenever he says something that upsets me. I have no doubt that he knows how upset he makes me...but the question is why. Why would he do it, when he knows what it does to me? I don't understand him, not at all. I almost just want to sit down with him and ask him these things...but I know I won't get straight answers. I also know that if I do snap and end up attacking him, he'd probably just kill me. I know he's much stronger than I, and has no problem killing people, especially if it's in self-defense. I just can't help myself. I was so close to just pulling my dagger on him today at lunch...so very close. I thank the Mother that she helped me from doing it. I would have failed if it wasn't for her love and support.
I really hope that this doesn't mess up the mission. I can't let my past interfere with what I know I'm here to do. I can't let Byorne, or Kippen, or anyone else get to me. I can't let my emotions get in the way of the mission. I'm here with the Panthers for a reason...and I need to have a clear head so I can figure out what that reason is.
Ellie and Kippen are so cute together...it's almost sickening. But in a good way...I'm not really jealous, because I'm happy that they have each other. I just have to wonder if I will ever be capable of loving a boy...truly loving him and fully trusting him. I really don't know if it'll be possible for me to do. I want to be with someone someday...but there are days like today where I just want to run away from it all and live by myself, with Tobias and the Mother.
I need to be able to trust again. Please, Mother, help me to do this.