First of all...something happened between Kippen and Ellie last night. They both told each other that they like each other, and so they're both very cute and such together. I really thought that they...did things...since I didn't see Ellie in her bed early in the morning. She slept in Kippen's room. I was proved wrong a little later though, which I will get to soon.
We spent a long time trying to figure out what to do. Byorne and Kilana went off somewhere, as did Callie. Amara came back and said she found some tracks. Ryu said that one of the Black Riders mentioned something about "His Lordship", so we think that there's a lord somewhere who might have some information for us. Erissa knows two lords in town, so we considered going to see them. We decided we should go out for a bit and see one of them after lunch. Amara went to the library while the rest of us planned to go out to the marketplace.
As we walked outside, a constable came by and asked Ryu if his name was Ryu. He said yes, and the constable told him he needed to come with him to be questioned. The rest of our group was permitted to follow, but not into the acutal police station. Tobias watched the questioning from a window, and saw a civil conversation with no yelling or anything the whole time. It went on for a really long time. This little boy came by and mentioned that Lord Stevie's been arresting a lot of people lately. We're not sure why.
We decided to let Ryu be (he wasn't going to be coming out for awhile) and instead went to the tavern to try and overhear some conversations. I ordered some ale. It was the first time I've drank alcohol, and I definitely got a little tipsy. I ended up taking out the ring Kippen gave me from my pocket and looking at it. I did a lot of thinking...wondering why he gave it to me, why I was keeping it at all. I strongly considered just leaving it there or something. But I remembered what Ellie told me...and so I decided to keep it. I ended up drinking two pints of the ale, and when Erissa got up to leave, I kind of stumbled out. I followed the group out to the marketplace, and we met Amara out there. People talked some, but I was kind of out of it. I stood there staring at the sky some, just thinking about things...
We decided to rest some before heading over to the lord's place. Ellie, Kippen, and I went over to this grassy area that Kippen had found. Ellie helped me walk there, since I was kind of stumbling. I sat down by a wall that was similar to the wall back in Catsden. We talked...about me and my family, about Kippen and Ellie and their relationship. I told them that I didn't know what happened to my parents...even though the Great Mother did tell me some things.
Oh, at one point when Kippen was a little upset and angry, I put my hand on his shoulder and asked the Great Mother to calm him. It worked...but then I noticed Ellie watching. I automatically removed my hand and looked away. I didn't want Ellie to be jealous...I so don't want to come between them. I'm trying...but sometimes I feel like I'm not trying enough.
Eventually, Kippen went back to the inn to nap. He kissed Ellie goodbye, and so it was just Ellie and I left. We talked some more...I asked her if she liked it, last night...it took her awhile to figure out what I meant. When she did, she said that she didn't do anything with him. She said that they just talked, and kissed...and slept together, but nothing else. It took me awhile to understand this. I mean, isn't that what lovers do? I didn't know there was anything else to do. I told Ellie that I've never been in love...so maybe I don't really understand what it is that lovers do. She said that they might do something, they just haven't yet. Haven't yet? But they love each other...why not yet? I was really confused.
She also said that she feels guilty because she feels like she came between Kippen's and my friendship. I told her she hasn't...that I came between them. I told her that I'm trying to be careful, that I don't want her to be jealous, because I know what that can do to people. She said that she trusts me...she knows that if I wanted to take Kippen from her, that I would have done it already. She trusts me fully around him...she doesn't want me to hold back on account of her. I suppose I'll try to be better about it...I just don't want to ruin what they have. They're so perfect for each other...I have no right to ruin that. I want them to be happy.
I really trust Ellie. I told her that I trust her more than I trust any of the other members of our party. I told her I can't trust Kippen as much as her...because he's a boy. I told her the true story about my family...about how the Great Mother told me that my parents left me with my Aunt Silaqui because they knew that Eraia was coming for them. That my parents loved me...that they didn't want to leave me. And that my mother was magical, like me. The Great Mother deliberately didn't tell me more than that...I think I'm supposed to figure it out for myself. I want to believe that they're still alive...I just don't know if they are or not. How will I ever know? Will I know if I ever meet them? Maybe I already have? Maybe that's why the Great Mother told me to join the Panthers...she wants me to find my parents. They must be alive still. They just have to be.
Then...was the hard part. Ellie wanted to know why I don't trust boys as much as girls. I told her that some boys just can't be trusted...some just aren't good. She questioned more...and I had to tell her...I knew I had to tell someone. I told her about...that night. About how I was chased down by that human man and how he...did things to me. And then I told her what I did to him...how I stabbed him with my dagger, and how I watched him die. How I let him suffer and didn't just kill him. How I'm afraid of myself, of what I'll do when I'm scared and angry and upset like that. I told her how I might try to do that to Byorne if he ever tries to attack me...because he reminds me of that man. And Byorne would probably know it, and kill me first. I wouldn't put it past him to do that. I started to cry...Ellie tried to comfort me. She hugged me...even after what I said. I knew she was shocked, and probably a little scared too. I can't believe how trusting she is though...I want to be like her. But I can't, I just can't.
I asked her if she thinks I did the right thing...she said yes. She said I didn't really have another choice...that he could have killed me first. I never actually looked to see if he had a weapon on him...I just don't want to know if he did or not. I guess she's right...that I didn't have a choice. But I did have the choice of whether to kill him off quickly or not...and I didn't. I -enjoyed- watching him suffer. I told Ellie that I've never discussed it with the Mother...that I'm trying to forget about it. But I can't forget about it...and I told her that I've never told anyone, and that I felt like I needed to. She thanked me for trusting her enough to tell her. And she said I should talk to the Mother about it...that maybe it would make me feel better. I thought about that...I know that the Mother knows, but I think that she's waiting for me to bring it up.
I thanked Ellie for listening to me...she promised not to mention it to anyone, not even Kippen. I believe that she'll keep her promise. She really is a good friend. We went back to the inn then...she went into Kippen's room, and I went into my own room to think.
I decided to tell the Mother what happened...that night. I told her everything. She knew already, obviously...and she was glad that I told her. She told me that the man did not have a weapon on him, but that he was planning on strangling me after he was done with me anyway. I started to cry again then...I'm not sure why. I think it might have been relief...that I did have a reason to kill him. He was going to kill me. I told to the Mother a long time about how I let him suffer...she wouldn't give me a straight answer about that. She wouldn't tell me whether it was okay to do or not. I think that she wants me to figure that out on my own. Is it worth putting someone through so much pain just because he did that to me? I don't know. I want to be a good person...but I still feel like he deserved it.
I stopped crying eventually, and I heard Tobias come to my window. He just sat and watched me. I love him so much...he is a boy, but he is not a human, elf, or otherwise. He is a hawk. He would never hurt me. I wish I could just trust everyone like I trust him.
I thanked the Mother for speaking with me. I love her too, and trust her ways fully. I know that there's a reason that she's doing things the way she is. I'm here for a reason...
Then I drifted off to sleep...