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Anilla Liadon

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OOC: Note to Reader [01 Jan 2005|05:08pm]
Anilla is illiterate. Therefore, she does not keep or write in a journal. However, she does think a lot. The non-OOC entries that follow are her thoughts.
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OOC: Anilla Falls in Love [01 Sep 2003|06:13pm]
Warning: This story is at least partly sexually explicit.

This story is another of those "what if" stories. It takes place in the future, probably when Anilla is in her early twenties and she is no longer with the Panthers, but instead she lives in a hut in a forest that's near an unnamed town. Of course, none of this is guaranteed to happen. You know the drill.

Anilla Falls in LoveCollapse )
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OOC: Tobias [17 Aug 2003|01:44am]
TobiasCollapse )
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Another picture [16 Aug 2003|01:34am]
Here is another picture of Tobias and I...Collapse )

OOC Note: Yes, I drew that. I cheated and traced the body shape from the Hero Machine, though. :)
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OOC: If Anilla Met Her Father [13 Aug 2003|11:24pm]
This is a "what if" kind of story. It's supposed to take place soon after the present point in the plot, when the group goes to Shendar City. I'm not saying that any of this will happen, but if it did, this is one possible way that it might happen. I hope that I didn't stray from other characters' personalities too much here. Oh, and as a warning...it's a tear-jerker. :)

If Anilla Met Her FatherCollapse )
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Day 11 [13 Jul 2003|02:25am]
I woke up just before dawn. I felt Byorne's hand under mine, and my heart skipped a beat as I remembered where I was. I felt the fear flooding through me as it all came back, but I took deep breaths and forced myself to calm down. I turned and looked at him; he was still asleep.

I got out of bed and gave him some water. I thought that maybe he was in a slightly different position than he was when I fell asleep...but maybe it was my imagination. I really hope he didn't wake up again while I was sleeping there. I can't imagine what he'd think or do if he knew I had slept next to him.

I walked downstairs to get some fresh air and think. I spotted Ellie outside on the porch, so I went out and joined her. Apparently she couldn't sleep because she was worried about Kippen. It was very cute to hear her talk about him. They really do love each other, I can tell.

Ellie kept questioning me about Byorne, and why I would sleep in the same room as him, after what happened that night. I tried to explain it to her without giving much away...but I couldn't hold it back. I made her promise not to tell anyone what I said, and I told her what Byorne said to me when he came out of the coma for a few moments. She was amazed.

I then decided that I needed to tell someone...so I told her that I love him. She was really surprised by this, I could tell. I tried to find out from her how I would know if this was true love or not...but I just don't know. I don't know what true love feels like. Somehow she knows, even though Kippen is her first love. That means that I should know. But I don't, it's all very confusing.

Ellie asked me if I think he could love me back...and I said I doubt it. I really don't think Byorne would ever love me. He can't get close to anyone, and even if he could I'm pretty sure he would choose Kilana over me. But I told Ellie it was okay...that at least I know that I am able to love a man. That means that I do have a chance of finding a man that I can love, and then maybe he will love me back.

We talked about her and Kippen some more...she said they haven't done much touching. It's hard to believe, but I guess they're both really nervous about it. I told Ellie that if she's feeling daring, she should just go for it, because I'm sure Kippen would be glad that she made the first move. She didn't think she could do it...but I told her that she'd be surprised what the heat of the moment can do to people.

And I was thinking after I said all of this to her...who am I to give her advice? I mean, sure I've had more experience than her when it comes to...that...but it's not the sort of experience she will have with Kippen. For all I know, it could be totally different. I offered to give her advice if she ever wanted it, but I'm not even sure if my advice would be accurate. I've never been in love...at least not until now, and what I think may be love now isn't requited. All I've done that Ellie hasn't is...that. And I claim to know so much about it, when really I don't. I know nothing about it except what happened to me. I assume that all men are that way, yet I know they aren't...take Kippen for example. I have no idea what it's like when the people involved love each other.

I'm really envious of Ellie. Not because she has Kippen, but because she has someone at all. I really just want to have a boyfriend that I love and who loves me back. I may be asking for too much, but...that's what I want. Deep down I want Byorne to love me, even though I know that's not going to happen. I wonder if that's why the Great Mother sent me to the Panthers...to find love. But it's likely that's just me wishing that that is her intention.

Mother, why am I here? I keep thinking of reasons, but I never get any closer to an answer...at first I thought it was to find my parents, and then I thought it was to find a husband...but it might be neither of those. I just wish I knew...I know that you have your reasons for not telling me, but I really wish you'd give me a hint at least. I wish I knew where to concentrate my efforts.

All I can say is that I'm glad that Ellie is on this mission with me. I don't think I could get through all this without telling someone.
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OOC: The Story of Anilla's Parents, Part 2 [16 Jun 2003|07:47pm]
This is a continuation of The Story of Anilla's Parents. It's shorter than normal, so don't worry. :)

The Story of Anilla's Parents, Part 2Collapse )

The Story of Anilla's Parents, Part 1
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OOC: The Story of Anilla's Parents [16 Jun 2003|01:55am]
I'm on a roll here. :)

The Story of Anilla's ParentsCollapse )

The Story of Anilla's Parents, Part 2
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The Experience [14 Jun 2003|05:18pm]
OOC Note:
Warning: The story that resides behind the following <lj-cut> might disturb you. It has a fairly graphic and/or detailed description of rape and murder, told from Anilla's point of view. So, if you think you might be offended by it, please don't read it. Thanks.

This story takes place when Anilla was 14 years old, which is two years before she arrived in Catsden. It occurs before she met Tobias or the Great Mother, and she is just starting to learn more about her ability to talk with animals. It is written from her point of view, as she saw it two years ago.

The ExperienceCollapse )
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Day 11 [14 Jun 2003|04:18am]
I woke up after only an hour or two of sleep. After sitting up, I remembered where I was. I was in Byorne's room, and he was in a coma on his bed. I got up and made sure that his heart was okay, and I gave him some water. After watching him a bit, I headed downstairs to the tavern to find something to drink.

I ordered a warm milk, and I saw Ellie sitting at one of the tables with her own glass of milk. I went over and sat down to talk with her. Apparently, she couldn't sleep because she was worried about Kippen. I talked with her some about him, and I asked her if she wanted to be with him in the future. She's not sure what to think of it...she's confused and naive, but not in a bad way. I can tell that she wants to, but doesn't know where or when to start. After a bit, Kippen came downstairs and joined us. We soon went outside, at my suggestion, to walk under the stars. It was amazing; the sky was clear and the moon was beautiful.

We came to a huge old tree, and Tobias flew up into it. I followed, climbing up the tree's branches higher and higher. I called down to Kippen and Ellie, and they soon followed me up. We got to the top, and just looked at the view...it was great. I listened to the tree, I felt its age and I knew that it was glad to have our company. Then, Kippen pulled out his flute and began to play...it was beautiful. The tree sung along to the song, and I couldn't have been happier. I was lying down on a branch, staring at the sky, and remembering my forest back home. I missed it. I just wanted to fall asleep there, in the tree, but I knew I couldn't because I couldn't leave Byorne alone. Ellie did fall asleep for most of the time we were up in the tree.

I talked to Kippen while Ellie was sleeping. We talked about Byorne, speculating about his behaviors and why he might not want to get close to anyone. I told Kippen how Byorne makes me feel...I'm both deathly afraid of him and drawn to him. My feelings about him are constantly changing, and I think the times that I'm drawn to him are the times that I know he can't hurt me...like now, when he's in a coma and his mind is shut down for the time being. We also talked about Elftown, and how I would bring everyone to meet my family. Kippen mentioned that he will be scared, since he isn't exactly comfortable around half-elves. I tried to talk to him about that, and about how we're not that different. I'm not sure how much got through to him, but I'm hoping it's enough so that he won't go crazy if we happen to go through there.

Speaking of that...we might be going through Elftown when we're in Shendar City. I really would like to, in order to see Silaqui and Talas again. I want them to know that I'm still alive and well. But I'm also afraid of showing our living quarters to the group...it's nothing compared to what they're used to, or the inns we sleep in. I'd be kind of embarrassed, even though I know I shouldn't be. We're lucky to have what we do.

After I talked with Kippen, Ellie woke up. We decided to head back inside, but before we did I said a prayer for the tree. I thanked it for letting us rest in its branches, and I wished it a long and healthy life. I felt its thanks, too.

We went back inside and Kippen and Ellie went to bed right away. They are really cute together, and I'm glad that I helped them realize that they love each other. I also hinted to Kippen that he should talk to Ellie about them living together in the future...I know that they both want it, but neither of them really wants to bring it up.

After they went to bed, I went into Byorne's room. His heartbeat was normal, and I gave him some more water. I decided to say a prayer for him, to help him on the road to recovery. After I rested my hand on his forehand and said the prayer, he looked visibly more comfortable and relaxed. That made me happy to see; I knew that I was helping him. After considering for a bit, I decided to ask Byorne the questions that Kippen told me I should ask. I put my hand back on his forehead to try to get to his mind, and I asked him why he can't get close to anyone, and what was he afraid of? I prayed, trying to reach his mind, trying to awaken him for just a moment. All of the sudden his whole body jerked and he gasped, and I jumped back. I was so scared that I did something wrong, that I hurt him, or worse...I put my hands back on his chest, regulating his heartbeat, praying that he would be okay. While I was doing this, his eyes flickered open and he spoke. He was talking to Eraia, and he told her not to take him yet, that he wasn't ready because he hadn't atoned. I replied to him, telling him not to worry, that Eraia wasn't coming for him yet. Then, all of the sudden he looked straight at me and said, "Anilla, thank you." He then slipped back into the coma, and left me standing there next to him.

I was crying at this point, though I didn't notice when I started...I was so scared and worried that I wasn't paying attention to the tears. He was okay, and I was so thankful for it...I gave him more water, and I was shaking. Afterwards, I just watched him for a long time...I didn't know what to think. I thought about what he said. What did he need atoned? Why did he thank me? Was the answer to my question somehow hidden in what he said? I thought about it for a long time.

Eventually I calmed down a bit, and I went over to my rug on the side of the bed. I stood there a moment, and then looked at Byorne again. I stared at the spot on the side of him...there was room for another person to lie next to him. I thought about everything that had happened on the previous days, about how I'd always been so afraid of this man who lay before me. He was harmless now, just a breathing body. But still, I was so scared, so afraid of him. I felt the fear, and I knew that I couldn't just go to sleep feeling that way. I knew I had to overcome it...I like him. I like him and yet I am so deathly afraid of him. I stood there for what felt like forever. I finally just gave in and almost fell onto the bed, and I lay down next to him, on my back. I was touching him, but just barely. My heart was racing, and the tears returned. I was so afraid, and I thought that I wasn't going to be able to do it, to stay there...I thought I was going to have to get out of his bed before I went crazy. I kept praying to the Mother, asking her, begging her to help me, to give me the strength to overcome my fears. I knew I couldn't live like this forever...I can't live in fear of men just because of what happened...I needed him, I needed him to help me get over my past. Even if he doesn't like me, even if he'd never want to get close to me...I needed him. I wanted to be close to him, and I knew that I need to be close to him in order to make it work.

I kept talking to myself, and praying, and thinking all of these thoughts...my head was a whirlwind of fears and thoughts and confused emotions. Eventually my tears stopped and I started to breathe normally again...but it must have taken a long time, it felt like I was lying there praying forever. I just lay there, staring at the ceiling. I had gotten this far, I knew that I had to keep going. I had to make one more step to ensure that I was no longer afraid of him. I picked up my hand, which felt so very heavy, and found his. I rested my hand on his hand. I didn't hold it, I just put it there, so that they were touching. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders right then...I closed my eyes and thanked the Mother for helping me overcome my fears so that I could express my true feelings. I felt Byorne's hand under mine, and knew that I was no longer afraid of him...at least, right then, at that moment, I did not fear him. I loved him, if for no other reason than because he helped me do this.

I know that he will never take me. I'm going to force myself to accept that. That's not what's important, anyway. What's important is that I am able to let go of my past and love a man.

I fell into a calm, deep sleep, right there next to him, my hand on his.
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Day 10 [07 Jun 2003|05:01am]
When I came downstairs this afternoon, I was feeling a lot better than earlier in the day. I had a few hours to myself, during which I talked with the Great Mother and asked for her guidance. She calmed me, and helped me to realize that I really have nothing to fear in Byorne...he is a Panther, like me, and he would not hurt me unless Theria or perhaps Erissa told him to. I asked her to help me to trust, and although I have to do most of it myself...she helped me to realize that I can do it, if I try. So that is what I am doing...trying. I mess up sometimes, but I don't want my past to haunt me for the rest of my life.

So when I came downstairs, Byorne came down a little bit after me. For a few minutes it was just the two of us at the table, and we said good afternoon, but not much else. I did my best to be friendly. When Erissa came and sat at the table, I'll admit that I felt better...but it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be.

Eventually the whole group was together at the table, all except Kilana who is off scouting somewhere. We discussed what we should do next, and I told the group my theories about what they told me happened earlier in the day while I was in my room. I really don't know what's going on, but I have a feeling that there is some sort of magic that is causing the whole thing with the police station to be...not right.

We then decided to visit Lord Barrowwind to ask him some questions. Unfortunately, when we arrived we found that Barrowwind had been killed by "bandits". We had tea with his daughter, and she gave us a very important message for Theria. We spent awhile trying to figure out how to deliver the message to her quickly. At first, Erissa wanted to send Tobias, but that would have taken too long. Byorne offered his telepathic abilities for the purpose of giving Theria the message. So we decided to go with that.

We went back to the inn. Byorne, Erissa, Amara, and I all went into Byorne's room, while Kippen and Ellie went into their own room. I got some water prepared, and Byorne sat down on a rug to try to contact Theria. I sat close by, because I knew I'd be needed at a moment's notice. He was able to get in contact with Theria, and gave her the message I presume...He said that Theria needs us to go to Shendar City as soon as possible. That's where my family is...I wonder if we'll go through Elftown. I wonder if I'll be too ashamed to introduce my family to my group...I hope not.

Byorne collapsed after his contact with Theria, and I caught him as well as I could. I immediately put my hands on him and asked the Great Mother to help me keep him alive...I felt his heart flutter some, but eventually it became steady again, and his breathing became more normal as well. I didn't want to risk passing out along with him, so as soon as I felt faint, I forced myself to stop and to concentrate on keeping myself concious. Amara gave Byorne water, and Erissa went to get me my own. What was weird was that she just left the pitcher and glass in the room near me, and left. She didn't even pour it for me or anything. I tried pouring it myself, but I was shaking so much that I got a lot on the floor too. Amara tried to help me...she helped me steady my hand as I was drinking the water. I'm glad she did. She then got Kippen to help her put Byorne on the bed.

After I got most of my strength back, I told Amara and Kippen that I wanted to stay in the room overnight. Kippen offered to stay, and said Ellie could stay too if I wanted. But I told him no. He seemed worried, and Amara did too. I'm not sure if Kippen was worried that I wouldn't have enough strength to be by myself, or if he thought I couldn't be trusted with an unconcious Byorne. Either way, I convinced him to let me stay by myself. It was kind of impulsive...but I knew I had to do it. I have to take care of him, after what happened earlier. I got so upset, and I hated him...I had no reason to. I felt guilty, and I still do. I needed to make it up in some way, and taking care of him overnight seemed like a good way to handle it. Tobias came to sit in the windowsill, and I said a prayer for Byorne. I asked the Mother to protect him and keep him safe, and I asked her to help him have a speedy recovery. I then lay down on the rug on the floor to think.

I have to wonder what Byorne would think if he knew I was here. I don't really want him to know...I don't want to give him the wrong idea or anything. I just need a way to apologize, to make things right, to trust him again...and this is the only way I can do it right now. It makes it easier that he's not concious, because I don't have to worry about the nervousness he invokes when he's around me. But still...it's a step in the right direction. I want to trust him. He's a good man. This is my way of proving to myself that he is worth trusting.

I thanked the Mother a lot while drifting off. I thanked her for helping me to put my past behind me. I'm afraid that the process might be reversed if and when we go to Elftown...but we shall see. It will at least be nice to see Silaqui and Talas again.

Thank you, Mother, for all that you have done, are doing, and will do for me. Please protect him and try to make sure that he recovers quickly.
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Day 10 [24 May 2003|02:43am]
After we all woke up from our naps, Kippen, Ellie, and I all made our ways downstairs to a table in the tavern. We started to eat some bread and cheese, but we were all pretty sick of it by this point. I got up and ordered us some nice warm vegetable soup. We ate it, and soon I made the mistake of asking Kippen and Ellie about their siblings. It turns out that Ellie used to have a younger brother, but he died somehow. She got really upset about it...she said that her mom's never been the same since he died. She was crying, and I tried to make her feel better...but I could feel her pain, and I knew she was hurting a lot. She eventually went upstairs to lie down and think.

That left Kippen and I alone. We talked some...and soon Byorne came into the tavern. He was back from his scouting. He sat down at the table with us. He was making me nervous, and I could tell he knew it. He must have been doing it on purpose. He eventually decided to get a drink from the bar, and he gave it to Kippen. Kippen, being a guy, accepted the challenge and drank it. He could only get a little bit down before he started coughing. I helped him calm down some, which was probably a mistake on my part. He just kept drinking. I tried to tell him to stop...but he wouldn't listen. He was getting drunk really quickly too. Byorne just kept encouraging him...and making remarks about me. He said that Kippen should go upstairs and "comfort" Ellie, and I told Kippen not to...for obvious reasons. So then Byorne accused me of being jealous, and had the nerve to say that I wanted someone to "comfort" me too.

I nearly exploded. Kippen was sitting there talking randomly and not realizing what was happening, and Byorne had to be proud of the fact that he made me so upset. My hand was literally resting on my dagger...I just felt like I was going to snap. I prayed to the Mother to help me...to keep me from lashing out. I needed her...I couldn't do it by myself. Byorne said something about how it's better to not get to know someone, so that way if you have to end up killing them, it's not so bad. I then told him that I agreed with him, but not really because I do...but because I just didn't know what to say or do with myself. I ended up just covering my face and crying. Tobias noticed what was happening from the window, and came inside to comfort me. Kippen did nothing...not that I really blame him or anything, but it just made it worse because I knew if he wasn't in the state he was in, he would have done something to help me. I was crying hard...Byorne just kind of sat there a little longer, and then eventually got up and said he'd be back later, and left.

I finally stopped crying, and talked to Kippen a little...he was really out of it. I helped him walk outside, and we sat under a tree. He ended up being sick, and I helped him feel better by rubbing his back and asking the Mother to ease his stomach and head. We talked more...he didn't seem to remember much of what happened inside the tavern. Which is probably a good thing...I didn't want him asking questions about what upset me so much. I saw Ellie watching us from her window, and immediately stopped touching Kippen...I know Ellie told me not to go out of my way to make her feel more comfortable, but I couldn't help myself. Plus, Kippen didn't want her to know that he had gotten drunk and sick. Kippen asked me how I can heal people...I told him about how the Mother does it, I just ask her to, and she does it if she feels that she should. He also talked about humans and elves...and I asked him why he doesn't like elves, and he didn't really know. My theory is that he has at least some elf blood in him...he can talk to animals, so it's highly unlikely that he's fully human. But I decided not to mention it, since I know he doesn't really like that idea.

We eventually decided to go back inside and up to Ellie's room...that is, Kippen's room, but Ellie was sharing it with him. We went inside the room, and I immediately felt out of place...it was their room, they shared that bed together...it didn't feel right to sit on it. I felt like an intruder in their nice little space. But they told me to stay, so I did. We talked a little, about the mission, the future, and a little bit about Byorne. I was getting more and more uncomfortable...I could tell that they wanted to be alone. And I needed to be alone with my thoughts anyway, so I got up, said goodbye, and left.

I went into my room to think. And I prayed. I prayed a lot. I tried to find out from the Mother what I should do about Byorne...how I can survive this mission without going crazy whenever he says something that upsets me. I have no doubt that he knows how upset he makes me...but the question is why. Why would he do it, when he knows what it does to me? I don't understand him, not at all. I almost just want to sit down with him and ask him these things...but I know I won't get straight answers. I also know that if I do snap and end up attacking him, he'd probably just kill me. I know he's much stronger than I, and has no problem killing people, especially if it's in self-defense. I just can't help myself. I was so close to just pulling my dagger on him today at lunch...so very close. I thank the Mother that she helped me from doing it. I would have failed if it wasn't for her love and support.

I really hope that this doesn't mess up the mission. I can't let my past interfere with what I know I'm here to do. I can't let Byorne, or Kippen, or anyone else get to me. I can't let my emotions get in the way of the mission. I'm here with the Panthers for a reason...and I need to have a clear head so I can figure out what that reason is.

Ellie and Kippen are so cute together...it's almost sickening. But in a good way...I'm not really jealous, because I'm happy that they have each other. I just have to wonder if I will ever be capable of loving a boy...truly loving him and fully trusting him. I really don't know if it'll be possible for me to do. I want to be with someone someday...but there are days like today where I just want to run away from it all and live by myself, with Tobias and the Mother.

I need to be able to trust again. Please, Mother, help me to do this.
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Day 10 [17 May 2003|04:02pm]
Today has been a blur. Let's see what I can remember of it.

First of all...something happened between Kippen and Ellie last night. They both told each other that they like each other, and so they're both very cute and such together. I really thought that they...did things...since I didn't see Ellie in her bed early in the morning. She slept in Kippen's room. I was proved wrong a little later though, which I will get to soon.

We spent a long time trying to figure out what to do. Byorne and Kilana went off somewhere, as did Callie. Amara came back and said she found some tracks. Ryu said that one of the Black Riders mentioned something about "His Lordship", so we think that there's a lord somewhere who might have some information for us. Erissa knows two lords in town, so we considered going to see them. We decided we should go out for a bit and see one of them after lunch. Amara went to the library while the rest of us planned to go out to the marketplace.

As we walked outside, a constable came by and asked Ryu if his name was Ryu. He said yes, and the constable told him he needed to come with him to be questioned. The rest of our group was permitted to follow, but not into the acutal police station. Tobias watched the questioning from a window, and saw a civil conversation with no yelling or anything the whole time. It went on for a really long time. This little boy came by and mentioned that Lord Stevie's been arresting a lot of people lately. We're not sure why.

We decided to let Ryu be (he wasn't going to be coming out for awhile) and instead went to the tavern to try and overhear some conversations. I ordered some ale. It was the first time I've drank alcohol, and I definitely got a little tipsy. I ended up taking out the ring Kippen gave me from my pocket and looking at it. I did a lot of thinking...wondering why he gave it to me, why I was keeping it at all. I strongly considered just leaving it there or something. But I remembered what Ellie told me...and so I decided to keep it. I ended up drinking two pints of the ale, and when Erissa got up to leave, I kind of stumbled out. I followed the group out to the marketplace, and we met Amara out there. People talked some, but I was kind of out of it. I stood there staring at the sky some, just thinking about things...

We decided to rest some before heading over to the lord's place. Ellie, Kippen, and I went over to this grassy area that Kippen had found. Ellie helped me walk there, since I was kind of stumbling. I sat down by a wall that was similar to the wall back in Catsden. We talked...about me and my family, about Kippen and Ellie and their relationship. I told them that I didn't know what happened to my parents...even though the Great Mother did tell me some things.

Oh, at one point when Kippen was a little upset and angry, I put my hand on his shoulder and asked the Great Mother to calm him. It worked...but then I noticed Ellie watching. I automatically removed my hand and looked away. I didn't want Ellie to be jealous...I so don't want to come between them. I'm trying...but sometimes I feel like I'm not trying enough.

Eventually, Kippen went back to the inn to nap. He kissed Ellie goodbye, and so it was just Ellie and I left. We talked some more...I asked her if she liked it, last night...it took her awhile to figure out what I meant. When she did, she said that she didn't do anything with him. She said that they just talked, and kissed...and slept together, but nothing else. It took me awhile to understand this. I mean, isn't that what lovers do? I didn't know there was anything else to do. I told Ellie that I've never been in love...so maybe I don't really understand what it is that lovers do. She said that they might do something, they just haven't yet. Haven't yet? But they love each other...why not yet? I was really confused.

She also said that she feels guilty because she feels like she came between Kippen's and my friendship. I told her she hasn't...that I came between them. I told her that I'm trying to be careful, that I don't want her to be jealous, because I know what that can do to people. She said that she trusts me...she knows that if I wanted to take Kippen from her, that I would have done it already. She trusts me fully around him...she doesn't want me to hold back on account of her. I suppose I'll try to be better about it...I just don't want to ruin what they have. They're so perfect for each other...I have no right to ruin that. I want them to be happy.

I really trust Ellie. I told her that I trust her more than I trust any of the other members of our party. I told her I can't trust Kippen as much as her...because he's a boy. I told her the true story about my family...about how the Great Mother told me that my parents left me with my Aunt Silaqui because they knew that Eraia was coming for them. That my parents loved me...that they didn't want to leave me. And that my mother was magical, like me. The Great Mother deliberately didn't tell me more than that...I think I'm supposed to figure it out for myself. I want to believe that they're still alive...I just don't know if they are or not. How will I ever know? Will I know if I ever meet them? Maybe I already have? Maybe that's why the Great Mother told me to join the Panthers...she wants me to find my parents. They must be alive still. They just have to be.

Then...was the hard part. Ellie wanted to know why I don't trust boys as much as girls. I told her that some boys just can't be trusted...some just aren't good. She questioned more...and I had to tell her...I knew I had to tell someone. I told her about...that night. About how I was chased down by that human man and how he...did things to me. And then I told her what I did to him...how I stabbed him with my dagger, and how I watched him die. How I let him suffer and didn't just kill him. How I'm afraid of myself, of what I'll do when I'm scared and angry and upset like that. I told her how I might try to do that to Byorne if he ever tries to attack me...because he reminds me of that man. And Byorne would probably know it, and kill me first. I wouldn't put it past him to do that. I started to cry...Ellie tried to comfort me. She hugged me...even after what I said. I knew she was shocked, and probably a little scared too. I can't believe how trusting she is though...I want to be like her. But I can't, I just can't.

I asked her if she thinks I did the right thing...she said yes. She said I didn't really have another choice...that he could have killed me first. I never actually looked to see if he had a weapon on him...I just don't want to know if he did or not. I guess she's right...that I didn't have a choice. But I did have the choice of whether to kill him off quickly or not...and I didn't. I -enjoyed- watching him suffer. I told Ellie that I've never discussed it with the Mother...that I'm trying to forget about it. But I can't forget about it...and I told her that I've never told anyone, and that I felt like I needed to. She thanked me for trusting her enough to tell her. And she said I should talk to the Mother about it...that maybe it would make me feel better. I thought about that...I know that the Mother knows, but I think that she's waiting for me to bring it up.

I thanked Ellie for listening to me...she promised not to mention it to anyone, not even Kippen. I believe that she'll keep her promise. She really is a good friend. We went back to the inn then...she went into Kippen's room, and I went into my own room to think.

I decided to tell the Mother what happened...that night. I told her everything. She knew already, obviously...and she was glad that I told her. She told me that the man did not have a weapon on him, but that he was planning on strangling me after he was done with me anyway. I started to cry again then...I'm not sure why. I think it might have been relief...that I did have a reason to kill him. He was going to kill me. I told to the Mother a long time about how I let him suffer...she wouldn't give me a straight answer about that. She wouldn't tell me whether it was okay to do or not. I think that she wants me to figure that out on my own. Is it worth putting someone through so much pain just because he did that to me? I don't know. I want to be a good person...but I still feel like he deserved it.

I stopped crying eventually, and I heard Tobias come to my window. He just sat and watched me. I love him so much...he is a boy, but he is not a human, elf, or otherwise. He is a hawk. He would never hurt me. I wish I could just trust everyone like I trust him.

I thanked the Mother for speaking with me. I love her too, and trust her ways fully. I know that there's a reason that she's doing things the way she is. I'm here for a reason...

Then I drifted off to sleep...
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Day 9 [26 Apr 2003|03:04am]
We got up this morning and rode off towards a city called Needrham. Erissa and Amara had gone off to scout the road a few hours before the rest of us left. It was a fairly uneventful ride. We did find out that Ryu is the prince of Rien, however. This was a surprise to me, but not too much of one...I was prepared to hear that anyone could be the prince. At some point, we sent Tobias off with a note for Erissa and Amara to let them know that we were stopping at Needrham. He came back, and Erissa followed soon after. Amara went off to scout another trail, by herself it seems.

After some more riding, we spotting dust in the distance. Tobias told me that it was men in armor on black horses. We all hid behind a hill, and the group of three men passed us. They were singing and being very obnoxious. And they were singing a song with...bad lyrics. It brought up bad feelings and I couldn't help showing that I was embarrassed by it. Byorne laughed at the song, and even Kilana grinned a little. It made me madder than I should have been. Both Ellie and Kippen wrere nice to me about it. Kippen asked about my missing ring, and I showed him that it was in my pocket. He seemed glad that I didn't lose it. Ellie was nice too, and I thanked her for it.

When we got to Needrham, Callie told the guard to let us in, and he did. He said that one Ryu was taken out towards Rien, and the other was missing. We went into the tavern in the city, and luckily found one of the Ryus in there. He told us what happened, and promised that he was the real Ryu. Kippen got really upset, and stormed out of the tavern. Ellie followed, and we could hear him yelling at her. She came back inside, clearly upset. I hugged her and tried to comfort her. I know he doesn't hate her...he really likes her...but he just couldn't deal with his emotions properly and ended up hurting Ellie. I hope she realizes that. Tobias went off to stay with Kippen to make sure that he doesn't get into trouble. It's a good thing they like each other.

I wish I could control my emotions more. I get upset fairly easily if...that...is brought up in some way. It shouldn't upset me so much. No one gets offended except for me. But it forces me to think about it, and then it just hurts...
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Day 7-8 [12 Apr 2003|04:13am]
Everyone's still alive. Everyone came back unharmed. I was very relieved...I don't know the details of what happened, but I'm afraid to ask for them.

Ellie apparently asked Tobias to find Kippen at the inn to let him know that we were leaving. He found Kippen in Ellie's bed, sleeping. This kind of irked me at the time...I mean, I know he likes her and all, but still...did he have to be so blunt about it?

We rode during the night, and around dawn Tobias told me that he saw a person lying on the side of the road. I told Erissa, and we closed in on the person. Turns out that it was a Sister of Mercy, and she was barely alive. She had a very bad head injury. I immediately went to her side and prayed for the Mother's help in healing her...but something strange happened. I felt like there was something intervening, some other force or power. It pretty much pushed me out of the way, and I fell to the ground. Callie (the Sister) woke up immediately. I had a horrible headache, and I ended up throwing up as well. It was just so weird...I think Eraia had something to do with it, since that's the goddess that the Sister worships. Maybe she didn't like me calling on another deity for help with one of her Sisters? Either way...Callie helped me feel a little better, as did the rest of the group. Except Erissa...I don't know, it seemed like she didn't really care too much. And she was really skeptical about Callie. I know that Callie is a good person...I can tell. It really annoyed me that Erissa treated her badly, especially after what she had been through.

Anyway...I managed to get back on my horse and we continued on our journey. Apparently, some guys in armor came and took the Ryus from Callie. We're trying to find them still. I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth the trouble...but yes, it is. He is a Panther cub, after all.

So then we stopped to sleep, and this is where it gets interesting. I was still kind of mad at Kippen, but he did help me feel better when I was sick, so it was hard to be mad at him. I mean, I really didn't have a reason to be mad at him. He and Ellie like each other, and I should accept that.

Ellie and I had the first watch. She was teaching me to read for a bit...that was really nice of her. I learned some words. It's difficult, but not as impossible as I had thought. I'm really grateful that she's willing to help me learn.

So then we got to talking about Kippen...I explained to her that it's really obvious that he likes her. She didn't believe me at first but I think I convinced her. I admitted to her that I liked him too...but I came to the realization, while I was talking to her, that it was not fair of me to like him. They really are perfect for each other, and it's wrong of me to mess that up. So, I took off the ring he gave me. I asked Ellie if she wanted it, but she didn't. I considered just throwing it away...but Ellie said it was a sign of friendship. Yes, Kiippen is still my friend...and I guess he did do it as a sign of friendship, and nothing more. So, I just put the ring in my clothes. I figure I'll keep it, but I won't wear it.

Then we got to talking about other things...I ended up telling Ellie that Kippen was sleeping in her bed at the inn, and she couldn't figure out why he would do that. I eventually got to explain to her what boys think about...she apparently didn't know any of this. I was afraid that I made her scared of Kippen, of me, or of both of us...but I think she's okay. It was kind of a shock for her. Maybe I take it for granted that boys think about these things, and so I just assumed she knew. I'm not sure why I know and she doesn't. It's either my difficult childhood or her sheltered one...or both, I guess.

It was difficult to explain things to her, because it brought back some painful memories. However, it was a good thing for me to do, for both of us, and Kippen as well. I think she'll understand him more now, even if he doesn't understand himself. And, for some reason, I enjoyed telling her about these things. I'm not sure why, really. Maybe I felt obligated, since she was teaching me to read. Either way, I think it helped our friendship. She's always been nice to me, and I hope to keep it that way. I asked her if she ever has the same...thoughts...that Kippen most likely has. She said no, she never thought about it. But, I'm thinking that she might now. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not...I think it is, though. It'll prepare her for what's bound to lie ahead. She can't stay a kid forever. I wasn't prepared, I didn't know...and I hated it. So I guess maybe I'm trying to prepare her so the same thing doesn't happen to her. If she knows, maybe she can stop it.

I'm really happy for her and Kippen. I'm going to let them be happy. They deserve it. I just hope that Ellie tells him her feelings soon...it'll make things a lot less awkward for them both.

After our talk, I woke up Amara and Ellie woke up Kippen. Nothing really happened, but Kippen was deep in sleep, and dreaming. Who knows what he was dreaming about...well, I think I do. Because, well, that's how boys are.
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Day 7 [05 Apr 2003|02:51am]
This morning, Amara, Ellie, Kilana, Byorne, and I were sitting in the inn, talking. Kippen went off to do an errand or research or something like that, and Erissa had still not returned after the Ryus escaped. We talked for a while, wondering what to do about Erissa, when she walked through the door. I was relieved to see her again.

We then talked about how we should go about finding the Ryus. Erissa told us that the Sisters of Mercy took the Ryus into their temple, so we had to figure out a way to rescue them. Eventually, it was decided that Ellie would go to the temple and ask for asylum, in order to see what she could find out about the Sisterhood. So, she left, and we have yet to hear from her about it.

We then decided to split up into groups. Originally, Erissa told me to go with Byorne and Kilana to try to get into the temple from the front. However, I thought of the horses, and I asked Erissa what we would do about them. The plan was to get Ellie and the Ryus, and basically leave the city as soon as possible. So Erissa told me to instead take the horses to the outskirts of the city and wait for the group there. I was disappointed...everyone got to go into the temple except for me. I think that maybe Erissa doesn't like me...maybe she doesn't trust me with important tasks? I hope not...but I don't know what else it would be.

Oh, and Byorne made some snide remark about Tobias eating worms. It really annoyed me, and he didn't seem to care. Erissa was okay with Tobias keeping watch on the outside of the temple, and calling out if needed. At least she trusts him...

Before I headed out, Byorne asked me to speak to him in the hall. I was skeptical, especially considering his earlier comment. But I went out into the hall anyway, and it wasn't like we were totally alone...the door to Erissa's room was still open. Anyway, Byorne asked me to get rid of his headache, which was still there from yesterday's events. What was I supposed to say? I put my hands on his head and asked the Mother to heal him. It worked, at least partially. Byorne then called Kilana out into the hallway, and I did the same for her. I like Kilana...she has a sense of humor that I can appreciate, and seems to actually care about me.

So then I went outside. I saw Tobias, and asked him to watch the temple and to call out if anything suspicious happened while the group was inside. He was okay with that, and flew off to the temple. I went over to the stables and told the horses what was going on. They then followed me out of the city.

That's all that happened. Once I got to a safe place, I sat down on the ground and watched the city from where I was. I ate an apple or two, and prayed to the Mother a lot. I asked her to protect the group, and to ensure their safe return. My orders are to stay here until sunrise...and hopefully they'll be back by then. I don't know what I'll do if none of them return...As the night wore on, I grew more and more anxious. My intuitions are usually right, which means that at least some of the group is scared as well. Please, Mother, ensure their safe return.
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Day 5-6 [29 Mar 2003|02:49am]
We left Idletower and arrived at Aquilmor without much trouble. Kilana wanted me to have Tobias get the paper for Erissa (without her knowing it), so he did. Erissa was very surprised, and it was quite amusing, to say the least.

I helped Kilana send out a report to Theria, and afterwards our whole group ate dinner at the inn that we were to stay in. Oh, Kippen made carved me a really pretty ring. I like it a lot. And it was nice sleeping in a real bed for once. I prayed to the Mother a lot before sleeping, to thank her for keeping us safe in Idletower.

The next morning, Ryu was the first one downstairs eating breakfast. We eventually all joined him, and then Ryu came downstairs. Apparently, there's two Ryu's now. Needless to say, we were all very confused. Each claimed to be the real Ryu, and Byorne said that they were identical. Kilana put a yellow ribbon on the wrist of the first Ryu, so that we could keep track of which was which. Erissa got very upset when all of this happened...I guess because she's techinically in charge, and she doesn't want to fail Theria. At one point, while the Ryus were arguing with each other, Byorne quickly pulled two knives out and held one at the throat of each Ryu. I immediately protested this, and got very upset that Byorne would act so...rashly. More on this a little later.

Erissa had us go upstairs to discuss the problems at hand, so we did. Erissa went through the papers that Zadok gave her, but apparently most (if not all) of them were mistakenly given to us. One was a shopping list, one had a song on it, and another just random gibberish. We were all very confused, and the double Ryus weren't helping either. Byorne and Kilana decided to contact Zadok and ask him about the papers. Zadok spoke through Kilana, which was very weird to watch. Kind of scary, too. He explained that most of the papers were mistakes. Right before he faded out, I asked him how to reverse an illusion spell...which would hopefully fix the double Ryu thing. But, he got cut off before he could finish telling us what to do. After that, both Byorne and Kilana collapsed on the floor in exhaustion, unconscious. I quickly revived them enough that they were vaguely awake and breathing, but that tired me out a lot too. Erissa kept telling people what to do, though she didn't seem to be doing much herself. Somehow she expected me to help Byorne to his room, even though he could hardly walk, and neither could I, for that matter. But, I managed it, and Ellie helped Kilana to her room. I stayed with Byorne for the rest of the afternoon, watching him sleep.

Apparently, Erissa, Kippen, and Amara dressed up one of the Ryu's as a girl, so that he could be in disguise. They went outside, but right away the girl-Ryu yelled out and escaped. The boy-Ryu chased after him, and Erissa, Kippen, and Amara chased both of them. However, the Ryus eventually disappeared, and were nowhere to be found. The people on the street seemed worried. I watched all this from the window of Byorne's room. I asked Tobias to find the Ryus, but he was unsuccessful. It's like they just vanished into thin air.

Now...Byorne. I spent a lot of time analyzing him. To tell the truth, when he pulled his knives out on the Ryus, it immediately reminded me of myself...that night. It scared me, when I saw what he was thinking of doing. I...hate...what I did that night, and I didn't want it to happen again. I wasn't thinking clearly, and I just didn't want him to do anything. Oh, and then he didn't trust me to watch one of the Ryus...which really annoyed me. I don't know why, but it did. In general, he just brings back memories of that night, with the human. He's probably around the same age and size. They both react quickly. I killed the first man, and I felt like I wanted to kill Byorne too...but not really, no. I don't want to kill anybody. It just brought up all of these emotions all at once, and so I reacted strangely. It's probably a good thing that he didn't try to attack me...if he ever did, I don't know how I'd react. Actually, I do. And I'm afraid of that.

The thing is, he's really not a bad person, and I have no reason to believe that he'd try to hurt me. He is a member of the Panthers, after all. He even thanked me after I revived him, and tried to make a joke as I helped him to his room. And I watched him sleep for a long time, and asked the Mother for guidance. He really is a good man...I just can't shake the fact that he reminds me too much of...the not good man.

Anyway...I hope that we find the Ryus soon, and figure out what is going on.
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Day 4-5 [22 Mar 2003|02:28am]
We spent most of the day riding to Idletower. Ellie met up with us, and said that she snuck out of her house because her mother wouldn't let her come. I hope that her mother doesn't get too worried.

Once we got to Idletower, these two men in black ran by, and Byorne and Kilana ran after them. Then, this man named Ranael came up to us and said we were under arrest for helping to murder of someone called Justice Staeven. Of course, we didn't murder anybody, but he wouldn't listen. For some reason, he knew everyone's names except for Ryu's and mine. I chose not to give him my name, because I figured that there must be a good reason that he didn't know it to begin with.

We had to give him and his helpers our weapons and horses. I told Tobias to fly away, and he did so...I hope he's okay. I gave the men my staff, but I didn't mention my dagger. I know that other people didn't give up their hidden weapons either...I'm surprised that they didn't search us.

Anyway, we were taken to this building and put into this room that had no windows, and only one door which had no doorknob. I could feel the magic as soon as I stepped into the room...it was very strong. Even the members of the party who aren't that magical could sense it. We were locked in the room, with just some chairs, a table, and food. I tried to open the door with the Great Mother's help, but it wouldn't budge. The magic was too strong to overcome...either that, or the Mother did not want me to open it, for reasons unknown to me.

We stayed in the room overnight, and I was thinking about Tobias a lot. I "talked" to him a little, but it was difficult because I felt so closed up in that room. I'm glad that he didn't end up in there with us...he would have gone crazy.

During the night, the door started to glow, and then it opened. Byorne, Kilana, and this Abrami named Zadok were there to rescue us. We walked quietly through the building, and got to the sewers. Zadok is extremely magical...I watched everything he did. Somehow he knew that I worship the Great Mother. He must have been a devotee of Abram for a long time in order to be so powerful.

We're going to have to navigate through the sewers, and then hopefully find our horses and equipment when we get out. I also hope that Tobias found the horses and is with them. Kippen assures me that Tobias is okay...I hope so.

Speaking of Kippen...he and Ellie seem to like each other more than before. I hate to admit it, but I think I'm a little jealous. I like them both, and they are both my friends...but I don't know. My life is with the Great Mother, anyway. May she protect us and keep us from harm.
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Day 3-4 [15 Mar 2003|01:42am]
Well, we left Catsden today. Our group consists of me, Erissa, Kilana, Amara, Kippen, and Byorne, at least in the beginning. We rode horses towards the west. We're supposed to be a distraction because the rightful king of Rien is returning there. I don't really understand it all, but I understand enough to know that I have a mission.

Once we reached a place that we could camp at, Amara and I made dinner. We made stew, half of which had rabbit meat in it. Kippen's a vegetarian...I didn't know that. He was grateful that I offered to make some stew without the rabbit in it. He talked with Tobias some, as well. They're cute together.

We took turns keeping watch at night. Before falling asleep, Kippen told me that he used to be made fun of as a kid because people thought he was part elf. I had a feeling that that was the case...I could tell in the beginning that he was uncomfortable around me, and what with his elvish skills, it would only make sense. He didn't answer me when I asked if he had elvish blood in him, but I have a feeling that he does, even if just a little. It's very rare that humans can interact with animals the way he does. I'm glad that he's starting to trust me more, though.

Nothing interesting happened during my watch. However, around dawn, a couple of us (including me) woke up to the sound of hooves off in the distance. Then, we noticed a sleeping bag on the ground that wasn't there the night before. It turns out that Ryu was in it. I was introduced to him. He's cute, though something was wrong with him...he was very disoriented and seemed to forget where he was or why he was there. Kilana and I helped make him feel better, though he still doesn't remember much.

Soon afterwards, we left, continuing towards Idletower with Ryu. Thank you, Mother, for protecting us on the first night of our mission.
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Questions and Answers [08 Mar 2003|07:28pm]
Why did you join the Guild?
The Great Mother told me to. I do not question her plans for me.

Why did you join the Panthers?
Same answer as above.

How long have you been with the Panthers?
I arrived the day before the smithy incident. I'm very new compared to most members.

Have you ever worked for another company? Have you ever freelanced?
No and no. I have never been a mercenary before.

What is your ultimate goal in life?
My goal is to serve the Great Mother and to do her bidding. I know that she will lead me on the proper path.

Do you believe in the gods? If so, which one(s) do you follow?
I believe that many gods exist, but the only one that I know well and follow is the Great Mother.

What kind of place were you born?
I was born and raised in Elftown, a part of Shendar City. It's a poor part of the city, and even dangerous at times.

What is your secret worst fear?
I'm always afraid that I will mess up the Great Mother's plans in some way, and disappoint her. I am also afraid of disappointing people that I consider friends.

What one thing you can't do that you've always wanted to be able to do?
This one is easy: read and write. Also, I've always wanted to learn as much information as I can about every subject out there.

What is your view on love/marriage/children?
I believe that love exists. I want to get married one day and have children, but if I don't, I will still be happy devoting my life to the Mother.

Do you follow politics? Why or why not?
No, because the people in Elftown didn't talk about politics much. Also, the fact that I'm illiterate makes following such things difficult. I really would like to learn more about it, though.

Ever killed someone? How? How did it make you feel?
Yes, I have killed someone before. I was walking home from the forest one night, later than usual. This human man that I did not know started to follow me, and even though I tried to lose him, he caught up with me and knocked me to the ground. I quickly pulled my dagger out from the folds of my clothing and stabbed him right in the chest a few times. I scrambled to my feet and watched him. It took him a while to die, and even though it made me sick to my stomach, I couldn't help but watch. Eventually he stopped moving and breathing, and I cleaned my dagger off and pulled the man into an alley where he wouldn't be found for a while. I've never told anyone about it...I don't like to discuss it because I'm afraid of the sick pleasure that I had while watching the man die. I always keep my dagger on me just in case, but I've never had to use it except that one time. At least, not yet.

What was your early life/family life like? Do you still talk to your family? Are they proud of you? (Ashamed? Amused and tolerant?) Are you the first mercenary in your family, or is it a family career?
I never met my parents. I was raised by my aunt, who has a son. They are my family, basically. I love them very much, and they love me. I think that my aunt, Silaqui, is proud of me. Talas, my cousin, is upset that I left, but that is because he will miss me. I am the first mercenary in my family...at least, as far as I know.

What do you want to do when you leave the company/retire?
I will always follow the Mother, and I hope to get married and raise children as well.

Do you like reading/learning more, or fighting/physical?
I believe that I would enjoy reading, if I could do it. I do enjoy learning as much as I can. Fighting does have a certain rush to it...but I try to avoid it if I can, because I scare myself sometimes.

Do you follow rules by nature, or always try to work around them?
I try to follow any rules set forth by my superiors. However, if they interfere with the Mother's plans for me, I will always follow her first and foremost.

Do you like music?
Yes, I like listening to music. One day I would like to learn to play an instrument or to sing.

What's your favorite color?
My favorite color is green--the color of the forests in the spring.

If you could have one wish, what would it be?
To never fall out of favor with the Great Mother. Also, I would like to learn to read and write.

What do you look like?
I am a 16-year-old female half-elf. I'm 5'9" and I weigh 135 pounds. I have thin, straight, jet black hair that goes down to about the middle of my back. I have dark green eyes. You can see a rough sketch of me here.

Who's the most important person in your life?
The Great Mother is the most important being in my life. The most important mortals in my life are my aunt and cousin.

What are the three biggest differences between the player's personality and the character's?
OOC: Anilla is much more devoted towards a deity than I am. Also, Anilla has more of a thirst for knowledge and adventure than I do.

What are your little personality quirks?
I get upset fairly easily if I think that someone that I like is mad at me. Also, I will sometimes sacrifice time with people to be with animals instead. Oh, and sometimes it will seem as if I am talking to myself...but I am in fact talking to the Mother.

What sort of things do you own? Are you attached to physical objects, or not?
I come from a poor background, so I don't own much. I own my dress, cloak, a dagger, and a staff. I have never worn shoes before, nor do I really want to. I am not attached to physical objects, though I would be put out if I lost my staff or dagger.

Are you humble/proud/egotistical?
I am mostly humble. Sometimes, however, I will let my proud side show, especially when discussing my devotion to the Great Mother or my ability with animals.

How do you view other people? Basically good/basically selfish/basically evil? Do you like being around people, or want to just be left alone? Do other people like you?
I believe that all people have the capacity to be good, evil, or some of both. I believe that everyone's life is guided by a god or goddess, but some people choose to listen to their deity and some don't. I generally like being around people, though there are definitely times when I want to be alone or with animals. In general, other people like me, if they can get over the fact that I'm a half-elf.
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